the stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun, can you read my mind?

[straightontilmorning]

Jim didn't do well with nothing to do. Reading books, watching holos, bugging her crew, hustling them at pool, beating them up (and being beat up in turn) in the name of improving their fighting skills - they all served as distractions, but in the end she went to bed, slept fitfully, and faced another day to fill with inanities when she woke up.

And avoiding Helen, fighting with herself about whether or not to talk to her. At any given time, she could tell you what was on the doctor's schedule for the day, both for being conveniently out of the way and in it. She had a few extremely awkward conversations with Helen, and she hated it. More than anything else, this was what she truly abhorred about her time on Tantalus: that he had so easily reached into her head and twisted her emotions around, made her believe she was in love when she was really just reacting to false memories he'd instructed her mind to create.

She wasn't quite sure how, but somehow sleeplessness and restlessness had brought her to Spock's door. After a moment of hesitation, she pressed the door chime. With any luck, she wouldn't be waking him up.

Comments

Psh, right journals.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

It was not long at all before the door opened, Spock standing from his desk.

"Captain," he said with a nod. "Come in."

<3

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"Spock."

She entered, sparing a moment to brace herself for the environmental shift. "I see I didn't wake you."

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

"Not at all. I was simply working."

Not that Spock does anything but work, eat, and sleep, besides occasionally play chess.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"Of course."

She clasped her hands behind her back for a second, then let them fall to her sides uselessly. "How was your day?"

[withhumaneyes.livejournal.com]

"There were no problems." He eyed her for a moment.

"Have a seat?"

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"Good."

Unfortunately, the nearest chair was only a couple steps away, allowing her barely any excuse to do something. Now that she was here, she hadn't the slightest idea what to say.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

"...is there something I can assist you with, Captain?"

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"I don't know."

At least she was being honest.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Spock sat opposite her, studying her over his desk. "What are you considering?"

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

It was embedded deep, hidden in her memories attached to the Neural Neutralizer. Not just trust, but a need to trust because it was the only thing there

(the pain increases unless you obey me)

between her and a deafening emptiness

james t. kirk, captain, SC937-0176CEC

the lifeline he threw to hold onto.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

There is no pain.

He - they, she - could feel where it was emanating from, and regressed farther, nearly to a subconscious level where the neural neutraliser had effected her.

james t. kirk, captain, SC937-0176CEC

It would help.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

Pain is just

the freedom to say two and two make four

pain.

In the end, it doesn't matter. In the end, what matters is

farther up, and deeper in (do you want a treatment?), conditioned call and response like all's well and hide and seek in Iowa, you say Marco and I say Polo Jim

It's just like hide and seek. Don't talk, please.

don't want my kid sister following me around

is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existance represents a threat to the well-being of society.

(curled up in offices listening to her mom, Sam, doctors tell her she did everything she could, she was thirteen, goddamnit Jim you're thirteen you can't hold yourself responsible)

Captain, I am going to make you sane.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Jim.

Center, be, calm cool collected. What Spock knew how to do, in the face of pain or stress, pulling everything into lists, data, manageable chunks, pressing away fear, anger, sadness.

good	bad
2 + 2 = 4	responding to the call
James T. Kirk	fear
organization	guilt
trust of self	trust of Dr. Adams

Extract
Do you want a treatment?

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

Clinical and detached - she grasped hold of it, cloaked herself in it, she'd done it before every time she was hurt

(in the escape pod oh god oh god gary)

just a physical reality, far moved from her. It was all there, not unraveling but touchable, the call and response, like a Pavlovian dog but that's not it not all

Helen?

a solid core of love based on a series of commands, no rhyme or reason just a desire to make her hurt and it's bled into her memories, causing her to re-write them to make it fit because it had to fit.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

He could see the things that were wrong, the way the memories were fuzzy around the edges, not forgetful, simply incomplete, desperate, hurried paintings pretending to be photographs.

Analyze - reject. Analyze - reject. Analyze - keep. Continue.

Quick and efficient, like a high-powered editing program, unveiling the frauds and letting the real memories slip through.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

As they worked through the memories, a deep relief like a sigh worked its way through (his her) their mind.

(Captain, he did this to you)

She'd known, always been fighting it even when she didn't know, it's tension and release and released.

(It was a start.)

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Slow, steady, until the false memories were gone.

Stop?

Hetheyshe considered the pros and cons of stopping for the moment, continuing again later, lists beginning to scroll again, waiting for a decision to arise from their deliberation, logicalillogical.

[hesdead-jim.livejournal.com]

Leonard had been busy for the majority of his day, thus had missed the start of the readings from Jim's monitor. However, when Christine had almost physically pushed him to the monitor in the med bay, his face fell with worry and concern. Grabbing onto the first packed med kit and tricorder, he was intent on finding her.

"Computer, locate Captain James Kirk?"

Upon being told her location, he cursed under his breath, padding his way down the corridors to the turbolift to his destination.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Breathe.

No how, no why, no ifs or buts, just breathing. Because they could, plenty of oxygen in the air, lungs working at normal capacity, in, out.


Everything was so disorganized, in the human mind. It needed sorted out, to find the links Dr. Adams had created.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

Slowly, shethey obeyed, struggling to float on top of the suffocating fear dragging theyhimher down with its currents.

ohgodohgodohgodinhale, exhale.

[hesdead-jim.livejournal.com]

Leonard stood in front of Spock's cabin, cursing as he pressed the keypad at the door. If they didn't answer, he'd be forced to over-ride it.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

If the noise entered his conscious mind, it did not make it to where they were. It was not threatening, nearly an annoyance, and thus it was ignored for the bigger problem at hand.

Fear was useless, unnecessary emotion. It could be packaged, blocked off, repressed, moved aside

top.
on
were
they
until

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

And at the heart of the human psyche were useless, unnecessary emotions that were very difficult to discard. But

breathe.

they could be moved past, for a time.

[hesdead-jim.livejournal.com]

Agitated, Leonard barked out his authorization code, the doors to the cabin opening with a low swooshing sound. This was swiftly followed by his gasp, and the sound of heavy footsteps over towards the two.

"Jesus, you two... I need to know these things!" Not that he expected a response just yet from either.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

He could not pay attention to the man, not now. T(s)hey were still too fragile, all the links not properly put together.

But they were better than before. Slowly healing.