the stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun, can you read my mind?

[straightontilmorning]

Jim didn't do well with nothing to do. Reading books, watching holos, bugging her crew, hustling them at pool, beating them up (and being beat up in turn) in the name of improving their fighting skills - they all served as distractions, but in the end she went to bed, slept fitfully, and faced another day to fill with inanities when she woke up.

And avoiding Helen, fighting with herself about whether or not to talk to her. At any given time, she could tell you what was on the doctor's schedule for the day, both for being conveniently out of the way and in it. She had a few extremely awkward conversations with Helen, and she hated it. More than anything else, this was what she truly abhorred about her time on Tantalus: that he had so easily reached into her head and twisted her emotions around, made her believe she was in love when she was really just reacting to false memories he'd instructed her mind to create.

She wasn't quite sure how, but somehow sleeplessness and restlessness had brought her to Spock's door. After a moment of hesitation, she pressed the door chime. With any luck, she wouldn't be waking him up.

Comments

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

It was embedded deep, hidden in her memories attached to the Neural Neutralizer. Not just trust, but a need to trust because it was the only thing there

(the pain increases unless you obey me)

between her and a deafening emptiness

james t. kirk, captain, SC937-0176CEC

the lifeline he threw to hold onto.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

There is no pain.

He - they, she - could feel where it was emanating from, and regressed farther, nearly to a subconscious level where the neural neutraliser had effected her.

james t. kirk, captain, SC937-0176CEC

It would help.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

Pain is just

the freedom to say two and two make four

pain.

In the end, it doesn't matter. In the end, what matters is

farther up, and deeper in (do you want a treatment?), conditioned call and response like all's well and hide and seek in Iowa, you say Marco and I say Polo Jim

It's just like hide and seek. Don't talk, please.

don't want my kid sister following me around

is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existance represents a threat to the well-being of society.

(curled up in offices listening to her mom, Sam, doctors tell her she did everything she could, she was thirteen, goddamnit Jim you're thirteen you can't hold yourself responsible)

Captain, I am going to make you sane.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Jim.

Center, be, calm cool collected. What Spock knew how to do, in the face of pain or stress, pulling everything into lists, data, manageable chunks, pressing away fear, anger, sadness.

good	bad
2 + 2 = 4	responding to the call
James T. Kirk	fear
organization	guilt
trust of self	trust of Dr. Adams

Extract
Do you want a treatment?

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

Clinical and detached - she grasped hold of it, cloaked herself in it, she'd done it before every time she was hurt

(in the escape pod oh god oh god gary)

just a physical reality, far moved from her. It was all there, not unraveling but touchable, the call and response, like a Pavlovian dog but that's not it not all

Helen?

a solid core of love based on a series of commands, no rhyme or reason just a desire to make her hurt and it's bled into her memories, causing her to re-write them to make it fit because it had to fit.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

He could see the things that were wrong, the way the memories were fuzzy around the edges, not forgetful, simply incomplete, desperate, hurried paintings pretending to be photographs.

Analyze - reject. Analyze - reject. Analyze - keep. Continue.

Quick and efficient, like a high-powered editing program, unveiling the frauds and letting the real memories slip through.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

As they worked through the memories, a deep relief like a sigh worked its way through (his her) their mind.

(Captain, he did this to you)

She'd known, always been fighting it even when she didn't know, it's tension and release and released.

(It was a start.)

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Slow, steady, until the false memories were gone.

Stop?

Hetheyshe considered the pros and cons of stopping for the moment, continuing again later, lists beginning to scroll again, waiting for a decision to arise from their deliberation, logicalillogical.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

No!

There was more to do, more to fix, more to clear his her their mind of, make it whole and one again. Further in to get further out.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

There was slow agreement, and their thoughts sifted together, searching for the next rough patch, the next part that was harmful, out of place.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

am going to make you sane.

They lighted on a set of phrases again - Pavlovian call-and-response, embedded in her

do you trust me?

subconscious.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

We hesheSpockJim

do not trust him.

Main Entry: san·i·ty
Pronunciation: \ˈsa-nə-tē\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English sanite, from Anglo-French sanité, from Latin sanitat-, sanitas health, sanity, from sanus healthy, sane

: the quality or state of being sane; especially : soundness or health of mind

Statement: Dr. Adams did not have a healthy state of mind, thus he is unable to produce sanity in others.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

The concept is weighed, considered carefully from every angle, a proof constructed. from a logical/illogical angle perspective being, it makes

you believe in me completely

sense.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

But Jim was not a logical being, not most of the time. There were emotions attached to that trust, which were difficult for Spock to deal with.

He did know, however, how Jim would feel, really feel about what had been done to her.

anger upset take back what's ours our thoughts we are people not animals

Carefully reigned, not allowed to grow more than this, enough to make one stubborn, not enough to hurt.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

(No.)

She held onto the logic like a life raft, solid and buoying, separating her from the hurt

(pain is just pain. it's only physical, it can't touch her.)

she didn't want to feel.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

He, of all people, could not argue with that, so when the emotions released, there was relief.

Where?

Asking himself, asking her, where next?

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

An echo, yes no yes:

would you like a treatment?

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

No.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

yes no yes

(no room for doubt, make the decision)

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Could not let that string go. Had to follow it deeper

deeper

deeper

Identify source. Deconstruct.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

into the rabbit hole we go (do cats eat bats?

...do bats eat cats?)

It's deep programming, firmly lodged in layers of uncertainty and (sometimes they are five. sometimes they are three. sometimes they are all of them at once. you must try harder.
it is not easy to become sane.)

pain.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Everything can be reprogrammed.

Everything.

Just have to

spl

it

the code, find out what's wrong, what's diverting the flow of information.

Problem solving is what they are both good at.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

Deeper,

deeper.

Memories blur, over time. They mesh and become faded, like old paper photographs. Old nightmares become new ones

(therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death.)

(blood flows so strangely in zero go)

and childhood terrors blend seamlessly into adult horrors. At the heart of it

(everytime it beat, it pumped blood out of a tear in its side)

cocooned in a tangle of emotion

(rising panic and darkness oh god oh god she couldn't move couldn't breathe)

at the heart of it.