the stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun, can you read my mind?

[straightontilmorning]

Jim didn't do well with nothing to do. Reading books, watching holos, bugging her crew, hustling them at pool, beating them up (and being beat up in turn) in the name of improving their fighting skills - they all served as distractions, but in the end she went to bed, slept fitfully, and faced another day to fill with inanities when she woke up.

And avoiding Helen, fighting with herself about whether or not to talk to her. At any given time, she could tell you what was on the doctor's schedule for the day, both for being conveniently out of the way and in it. She had a few extremely awkward conversations with Helen, and she hated it. More than anything else, this was what she truly abhorred about her time on Tantalus: that he had so easily reached into her head and twisted her emotions around, made her believe she was in love when she was really just reacting to false memories he'd instructed her mind to create.

She wasn't quite sure how, but somehow sleeplessness and restlessness had brought her to Spock's door. After a moment of hesitation, she pressed the door chime. With any luck, she wouldn't be waking him up.

Comments

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"I don't know."

At least she was being honest.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Spock sat opposite her, studying her over his desk. "What are you considering?"

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

She laced her hands together and rested them on his desk.

"Spock, if I asked you to put logic aside, just for a moment, and consider only your... your instincts, and not what's best for your Captain - if I asked you if you would be willing to perform a mind meld on me, as your friend, what would you say?"

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

"It would be a yes, the same as before." He would perform it both because the Captain was his friend, and his friend was a Captain.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

She sighed, releasing tension that had bunched up in her shoulders without her noticing.

"Very well. I... would like you to perform a mind meld."

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

"...at this moment?" He felt a foreign twinge of nervousness.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"Whenever you would be ready."

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

He hesitates, before starting to rub his palms together. "What do you hope to be accomplished by this?"

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"He... planted memories in my head."

Her shoulders hunched in tight again, her eyes not quite meeting his. "If it was just... But he got in my head and altered some of memories, and I can't let that rest. I don't know... I can't be sure he didn't do more I'm unaware of."

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

"...I will attempt to correct what I can, and make sure there is not further damage." He pulled a chair close to her and sat.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

She tilted her head upwards again to look at him.

"Thank you."

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

"There is no need, Jim." Carefully, he pressed his fingers against her face.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

"Still."

She felt more than a flutter of nervousness on her part. This was, in part, an act of desperation, and the thought of letting anyone, even Spock, into her head was... disconcerting, to understate it entirely.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

Spock went slow, as slow as these things could go, introducing their thoughts together in a calm, regulated flow.

"We are becoming one," he explained slowly. "My thoughts will be your thoughts, and yours mine. Complete connection."

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

It wasn't what she expected, not that she was... sure what she expected. It was more like slowly becoming aware of a second self, something that was new and alien but was present, had always been present.

There wasn't a question - why would there have been? - but if there had been, it would have carried with it a feeling of what now?

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

The logical answer was to remember the time at the penal colony, so that is what the mind thought of, as Spock's was the dominant. He did not mean to make Jim uncomfortable, but here, there was no time between thought and action, merely both flowing along at once.

[kirk-it.livejournal.com]

what did he do to us?

Pain, first and foremost.

And through it, as if through smoke - memories, lines and threads of thought. Bits and pieces of times before the Neural Neutralizer, getting the grand tour of the facility. Dr. Adams

do you know Dr. Van Gelder was down on his hands and knees
you trust me completely
sobbing
at this point?

(James T. Kirk, Captain, SC937-0176CEC)

A quick smile thrown Dr. Noel's way, You know, when we finally get through this, I'd like to locate and raid a kitchen somewhere.

[verystubbornman.livejournal.com]

The hunger was harmless; it was more important to attach onto the trust that he could feel. It was necessary to dismantle that trust, to let Jim's proper feelings through.

We do not trust him.